I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
