How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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