Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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