Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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