He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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