Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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