Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
