i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
