tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
