if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
