I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
