yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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