You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
