I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
