Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
