Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
