And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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