well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
