He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
