I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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