dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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