The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
false alarm, still single
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