the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
