The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
