I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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