So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we're making bets on your personal life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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