Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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