How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
