Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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