Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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