My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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