I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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