I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
