I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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