I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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