he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
