Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
