My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
