Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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