The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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