We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
