there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
