Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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