I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
