I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
