i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
