she woke up with a sticky ear
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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