ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
