Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
