she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
