I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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