you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
