I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
